..Coming January I, 2010..

^.^

Have you ever had something you believe, no, know, with everything you know to be true, to be challenged by something as unconcrete as a feeling? Like, wondering if something isn't true because you're unable to do something about an event or.. Thing that you feel you should be able to control?

..If you can't help make the one you love happy when she's depressed, even if it has nothing to do with you.. Are you really the one for her?

Sure she's happy when you're with her, or when you talk but.. Is that really enough..?

Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess..

Thank you so much everyone for your support I really appreciate it. I've found my gift of the goddess.. Everything's working itself out, I got my job and all my bills will be caught up by the end of the month.. Not to mention I'll be able to see my baby the second week of September!! ^.^

I was also promoted to Specialist last month.. Don't know if I ever said that.

ANYWAY.. Hope to talk to some of ya'll soon, we need to catch up!

I posted this as a note on facebook, it's more or less the update on my life.. I'll put the update following this note on the bottom of the journal, I'm taking it out of my reply to my friend Sam. She read the note and replied to me about it, and my reply to her (minus what was meant for just her) is after "Update" in this journal. This is a vent too, so you've been warned..

Basically, as everyone knows, even though I was workin my butt off for my grandfather this summer was pretty good, hell my car was fixed, I had a truck as a backup vehicle, got my PS3, 32in flatscreen LCD hi def, my Advent Children Complete... Life was good. Drove to Baltimore without a problem in my car, I was actually happy and, for the first time in my memory, carefree.

...Then like everytime things are going good in my life everything went to hell, and the low matched that epic high. I crossed the Delaware border on my way to New York City to see Arielle and the tire went. On it's own it wouldn't be bad, except we don't know the extent of the damage. It could've just went, or could've went from the strut breaking, or worse, the axel, we don't know yet, can't know until I take it to a mechanic next week. The tire destroyed the wall protectin the inside of the car from the tire, tore a bundle of wire all up and eliminated my left front blinker. Whatever the wires are they're important: the car won't even recognize there's a key in it... It's completely dead.

Spent an ungodly amount of money to tow it back to Baltimore... Where to this day it sits in a parking space. Took a train up to NYC to see my girlfriend... Had a great week overall, even though I feel I fucked up Marissa's good thoughts of me and I know I ruined Friday cus reality hit me hard that I had to go from this heaven back into Hell... Little did I know how bad Hell would be. (Everyone I don't wanna talk about these things, Arielle knows what I mean and that's all that matters.)

I get back to VA by train, leavin the car in Baltimore (thats why I couldn't make it to the con, the train schedule plus the fact I didn't have a vehicle to take me there.. I'm sorry..). Within a week my truck had a radiator leak, and as soon as I fixed it the clutch decided it doesn't like going into first gear... And after it sitting at the Ford Dealership for a week I find out it's gonna cos over $1000 to fix it!! I was gonna junk the car, but now... I'm forced to see how much it'd cost to fix it, because maybe I can keep it going long enough if my parents and I can afford to fix it for me to get on my feet.. Oh did I mention I owe the bank like $100 and I've got no money left? Yeah... Between trying to save the car and getting the truck I spend over $3000 on the damn vehicle... And now where am I? I'm stuck at home, jobless, without a vehicle... No way to get a job or get to school this fall right now cus I live in the country, unless we can fix the Maxima... I'm just screwed... I know I can muster up enough money for my bills for August, but... Beyond that... Then what..? I just don't know what to do...

Now... The part Arielle probably doesn't want in here but... I want people's opinions... Basically, while she's at college, cus I'm not gonna be there with her, can't move up to NY for between 6 and 12 months depending on how things go... Arielle wants an open relationship with me... Her friend's ma who she looks up to brought it up, and Arielle agrees with it. I don't but... I don't know, there's so many issues surrounding this... Like how it's hard for me to find trust, I mean what's to stop her from just doing it behind my back if I say no? Why does she even want it, why is she scared to commit to a secure relationship... It makes me wonder how she really feels about me, makes me think I'm a moron cus I see it as "you're my backup boyfriend until I find something better" and... I know how I feel is shaped by my past, and maybe I just needto get over myself let her have it and then hope for the best but... Can I really be happy if I do? Then again how secure am I going to feel now knowing she wants it... I don't know how long we're gonna last, this might be the issue that kills us...

I just... I feel so lost. I know I'll be able to scrounge up enough money from the few resources I have in order to pay for my bills for August... But then what? Without a vehicle I can't get a job or go back to school and unless fixing the Maxima my parents can't take care of it like they said they will, so... I just feel like I'm in a hole I can't get out of, that the only way out of this is to volunteer for deployment and take the money I earn on that deployment to come back and buy a new car and startin over from scratch instead of fighting tooth and nail for this shit... Which reguardless if I volunteer or not if things don't fall just right can destroy my credit forever, very quickly eliminating my chance for a future... What should I do... I'm sorry I'm coming to ya'll but the stress is physically putting me in pain and I'm constantly feeling sick cus of it... I just need to let it out... Thanks for listening...

UPDATE!

Pretty much the situation right now is this... I talked to the veterans rep at the unemployment office, we're gonna make a correction to it that needs to be made: they office had me put my last public job as my last job, so he's having my unit fax him my DD214 (active duty orders) to show I was woking for the military this year and get me more money for unemployent. Granted, I can get $175 a week right now and that's not bad... But the more the better right?

The truck cannot be fixed: my dad has only $500 to put into a vehicle for me and the truck needs over $1000 so it doesn't get fixed. It's a 1979 anyway, I'm not putting that money into it so if it's cheaper to fix the car we're gonna fix the car then im selling the truck tot he junk yard. Sure I won't get the $1000 I bought it for, but at least I get some money to help for bills. I sold half of my old textbooks, got $75 and my mom's giving me the $75 she's getting for helping a man move into her apartment complex, so that'll pay my car payment minimum for August so my car doesn't get repossessed and my credit remains good. Well, ok at least.

The army is giving me $200 for my drill, about half of it goes to my debt to the bank leaving me with about $100, and after my first unemployment check next week my insurance is paid for... I'm applying for school probably the end of next week maybe a week after, which is fine cus I don't need financial aid cus the army is paying for it. That defers one loan, and the other I'm giving to the army to pay anyway so that eliminates my bills.

SO... So long as we can get the car fixed everything is in place, it shouldn't take me amore than a month to get a job because of my being a soldier. So long as I remain calm and give everything time to work out everything should work itself out and I should't have to deploy... Hopefully.

Now.. Arielle. We talked about our relationship, and after showing her both sides of the coin we came to an agreement and pretty much everything is worked out. She didn't realize the full extent of an open relationship, she told me why she wanted it and I showed her examples of what it is and what would she feel like if Id id this or that, and its not cheating cus itd be an open relationship so we've come to an understanding for now. Right now we've considered me moving up next summer, but she knows it's not for sure and right now I wanna see 1) how things work out, and 2) I need to figure out what is best for my future you know? So we'll figure it out right now we'll take this a week at a time, no need to plan ahead cus things alays change besides im under too much stress now planning is stress so just plan a week at a time go through it and hopefully everything will work out.. We'll see.

~ SPC Sean Christopher Solebello

This weekend was probably the best weekend I've had in years, it's definately ranked up with my graduations, believe it or not. But in the beginning... I would've sworn it was gonna suck.

Right off the bat everything went to hell... Forgot my gloves (decided to leave the sword behind because I want to work on it to make it a great Rapier instead of a half ass one), then in Philadelphia I missed my bus and was stuck there for a few hours... During which I discovered my contact bottle exploded and soaked my wig. I had to buy a train ticket to get to Jersey that night. I finally got there, all my hope of a good weekend destroyed... And then...

My room, which was $65 a night, turns out being a mini apartment. It has a fridge/freezer, dishes, dishwasher, stove, sink, microwave, free internet, cable, comfy big cushion chair, queen sized bed, open room and bathroom... It was amazing!! I also treated myself to a $40 authentic Japanese dinner at a nearby restuarant, had 13 types of sushi and these cakes with green tea icecream in the center, as well as 2 Japanese sodas... Amazing ^.^

The next day, I FINALLY met my sweetheart !! I also ran into an amazing group of Final Fantasy Cosplayers who (like me) were at their first convention. We were an amazing team: Zack Fair, Yazoo, Tifa, and myself, along with a Jedi SOLDIER.

We did a lot of great things over the weekend, like see Uncle Yo, go through an art gallery where I saw several artists I've seen on DeviantART, role played for several pictures, watched amazing skits, got to see characters strip in an 18+ show, tons of stuff ^.^ Even sword fought with Sephiroth himself, and battled Jedi with lightsabers!!

I made a lot of cool friends, all of which I plan to stay in contact with. Two invited me to Otakon (which I accepted) so I'll see them next month. So far sounds normal right? Time for the insane part of my weekend...

Three fangirls tackle glomped me, nothing big... But then, I was sitting in line with 3 girls (Misa, L and Light). L took my dumbapple, and while I tried to pull it back she bit my wrist!! Before I could even react Light also bit me... And to top off the weekend, I kissed four fangirls over the course of the weekend! And yes, and one pic I post will show you... One of them was a Yaoi of CloudxGenesis... >.>;; Whatever...

That's my weekend ^.^ I loved it and I can't wait to go to Otakon!! I'm gonna post some pics for ya'll, hope you enjoy them! Love ya'll, ttys!!

~ Genesis Rhapsodos (Sean C. Solebello)